Greetings and salutations!! So, like, I’m back and stuff. Apologies in advance for this recap–nothing too exciting happens, but it’s building up to some wacky stuff!
When we left our merry band of idiots, Gisselle had contracted St. Louis encephalitis, which had put her into what was likely a permanent coma; Beau had pitched the idea of pretending that it was Ruby who was sick, so that Real!Ruby could take Gisselle’s place and be with Beau; and Paul had agreed to take care of Gisselle under the guise of Ruby. There is nothing that could possibly go wrong with this.
Ruby and Paul make their plans to head out to the ranch, but Ruby is getting extremely worked up about the whole thing and worries that she’ll someday be punished for the deceit. Don’t worry, Ruby. At this point, even God is like “I’m not dealing with this right now”. Paul seems to be okay with the whole thing until they’re about to leave, when he tells Ruby that she’s going to miss Cypress Woods and that once she takes on Gisselle’s life, she can’t ever come back. Naturally though he backtracks almost immediately, allowing that if Beau turns out to be an asshole or something, Ruby can always come home. Ruby’s just like “Get over it Paul, you’re so creepy” and they leave for the ranch.
The ranch is sprawling and amazing and gorgeous, but that’s all nothing to Ruby, of course, since she’s just there to start living a LIE. They all go in to stare at poor Gisselle and Beau points out that they’ll have to exchange their rings. He’s already taken Gisselle’s off! How helpful and eager and creepy, Beau. Ruby has trouble getting her’s off, which pleases Paul to no end, but eventually off it comes and the rings are switched. Oh, I guess Paul’s heading out with Gisselle right away, because he’s already sending for the station wagon. He notes that he spoke to some specialists about the condition already, and that he was given some hope that she could recover. Ruby almost calls off the whole thing, but decides against it. She feels sad that Paul is clinging to his hopes this way.
But, um, Ruby, what Paul is hoping is that your twin sister recovers from her serious illness. You are the worst, Ruby Landry Dumas Tate.
Beau goes with Paul to help him and Ruby tells him about Paul’s terrible hopes. Beau assures her that his doctors have said Gisselle will never wake up, and tells Ruby that it’s too late to turn back. Why?? NOBODY KNOWS THAT ANYTHING HAS HAPPENED. NOW IS THE BEST POSSIBLE TIME NOT TO DO THIS YOU TERRIBLE PEOPLE. Oh well, I guess it’s all settled. Ruby waits around for Beau to come back and then they’re both sad that they’re too tired and stressed to have sex. Oh you are the worst. They head back to New Orleans where Ruby is momentarily bummed out when Beau tells her that he fired all of the servants before they came back (so that Ruby doesn’t have to be in 100% Gisselle mode all the time) but she’s soon soothed when she sees how nicely Beau had Pearl’s nursery set up. Everything in Gisselle’s room is a mess and Ruby clucks her tongue and acts all shocked, noting that Gisselle is going to have some extreme character changes. Beau laughs. OH THAT’S SO FUNNY THAT SILLY OLD GISSELLE WHAT WITH HER MESSINESS AND HER LAZINESS AND HER SEVERE ILLNESS. While they’re standing there chuckling over themselves, Gisselle’s friend Pauline calls, and Ruby has to put on her first Gisselle act.
Pauline is annoyed because she was supposed to head out to the ranch that afternoon, but randomly called to ask about something and was told that Beau and Gisselle had gone home. Ruby puts on her best bitch voice and explains (like it’s all such a hassle) that her sister and brother-in-law came out, and her sister got sick, and now poor Gisselle has to take care of the baby. Pauline is more than a little surprised that Gisselle is taking care of a baby, but Ruby cuts her off and hangs up. Beau is impressed and a little concerned by how well Ruby did that. They go out to dinner where Ruby is horrified by Gisselle’s low-cut wardrobe and quickly realizes that people are much nicer to Beau than to her because everyone secretly hates Gisselle. They have a ridiculous romantic evening and are woken up when Paul calls to tell them that his doctors have requested a number of tests on Gisselle because they’re not as pessimistic as Beau’s doctors were. Ruby and Beau whine a little more about how Paul just can’t let sleeping dogs lie.
THE WORST OF ALL POSSIBLE PEOPLE.
Ruby is quickly frustrated with her life as Gisselle, since she can’t cook for the family (since Gisselle couldn’t even boil water), she can’t help with the business (because Gisselle didn’t care) and while she’s in her studio later that morning with Pearl, she’s interrupted by a knock on one of the French doors and soon learns that Gisselle had a lover whom she would meet in the studio. She chases him away, but learns through what he says that Gisselle has had several affairs since getting married to Beau. When Beau comes home later, Ruby tells him what happened and is stunned that he pretty much knew and apologizes for not preparing her. But! it’s all forgotten when it’s time to interview new servants! We only get the racial background of the cook, but Ruby’s sure to let us know that she’s a quadroon woman. Thanks, Ruby. Beau and Ruby go to dinner at his parents’ house, who, we’re told, are no fonder of Gisselle than they ever were of Ruby. Dinner is awkward as all hell, with the Andreas parents referring to Ruby (aka Gisselle) as “that CAJUN girl” and disapproving of Beau and Gisselle’s decision to take care of Pearl. After dinner when Mrs. Andreas gives Ruby a bracelet that she bought for her in Amsterdam, Ruby makes the mistake of calling her “Mother”. Nothing seems to come of it, though, and their evening is further disrupted when they arrive home to a message from Paul.
Ruby calls him back, and he tells her that Gisselle suffered some severe seizures and has now fallen into a deeper coma. If she does ever wake up, she’s likely to have permanent brain damage. Ruby is horrified, but Paul’s all “Didn’t you once get a voodoo curse put on her? So you suck” and Ruby’s all “I can’t believe you’d throw that back in my face!” and then Paul hangs up on her. Woo! Get her, Paul. For once. Cause she’s the worst. Ruby tells Beau that no matter how happy she wants to be, she can’t help but feeling that something is going to happen to take everything away from them. Yeah, that’s so sad, Ruby. Ruby calls Paul every day to check on Gisselle, but he’s seldom home because he’s always at the hospital. When he finally does call her back, he sounds straight-up movie crazy, what with the detached voice and the rambling singsong and the calling Ruby “Gisselle”. Ruby thinks that there’s someone nearby that can overhear him, since he keeps calling her Gisselle, but it’s soon obvious that he’s convinced himself that Ruby is the sick twin. Then he hangs up on her again. Ruby immediately tells Beau that she wants to go to Cypress Woods and check on everything. Beau agrees, but is dubious that Paul has actually lost it and isn’t just trying to manipulate Ruby into coming back. GOD, BEAU, GOD. Ruby’s not convinced and goes to bed worrying what they’ll find at Cypress Woods and what in the world she’s done to Paul this time.
TERRIBLE THINGS, RUBY. BECAUSE YOU ARE THE WORST.
Oh lord, I feel bad for Paul Tate. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?
Coming up next: More rambling singsong from Paul, Toby and Jeanne are bitchy, Bruce shows up drunk some more, and oh good, Louis.