Well. Here we are then.

Based off of a suggestion on the Facebook page, I’ve decided to do Hidden Jewel as ONE MASSIVE RECAP because so very little of merit happens (so much filler) and because I don’t really like this book. Have you gotten that impression?

So, yeah. Pearl. Pearl Andreas, our heroine, is about to graduate from high school. She’s valedictorian, natch, and has been haunted by a recurring nightmare for many years. It’s a dream/memory about Paul, so of course it haunts her. She knows some parts of her past, like that Paul and her mother were siblings who got married for mysterious reasons and that there was a custody battle for her after Paul died, but not much else.

Oh and she keeps talking about how YOUNG her mother looks, which….Ruby’s all of 36. BITE ME.

So when we start this story Pearl’s waking up on her graduation day, being spied on by her 12-year old brothers, Pierre and Jean. Oh this family. So the twins look exactly alike even though Pierre is the brains and Jean is the brawn. They’re 12, but at time they’re written like they’re 7 or 8. I mean, at one point Pearl says she has butterflies in her stomach, and Jean’s all “OH GROSS HOW DID YOU GET CATERPILLARS IN THERE” and Pierre has to explain that it’s just an expression. They also sleep in Uncle Jean’s room, which I thought Ruby was keeping like a shrine, but I guess it’s good that she got over that notion.

SO Pearl has this boyfriend named Claude who is super hot and wants to have sex with her, but she gets all med school about it whenever they make out and starts thinking about blood flow to her extremities and hormones and things like that, which, surprisingly Claude is not into. Claude’s convinced himself that he and Pearl are going to consummate their relationship that very evening, once Pearl can get out of the graduation party that Beau and Ruby are throwing for her. Pearl is still not sure about all this, even though her best friend Catherine (GET SOME NEW NAMES) is allll about getting Pearl laid. So turns out that the boys were spying on Pearl because they hid her mortarboard and wanted to see if she’d noticed, everyone gets WAY too bent out of shape over it, and then right before the ceremony Claude’s sidepiece Diane dunks Pearl’s speech in the toilet because Pearl gave everyone a talking to about the dangers of secondhand smoke.

I HATE PEARL.

But of course Pearl has her speech memorized and it’s amazing and inspiring and then it’s off to her party, which is peopled by Beau and Ruby’s friends and colleagues and where Ruby will be unveiling a portrait that she did of Pearl. Claude and some of his friends arrive tipsy, which of course sets Pearl off on a tangent. The portrait is revealed and it’s..it’s… lemme just transcribe.

“Mommy hadn’t just painted a portrait of me in my graduation outfit. Behind me she had painted another portrait, this one with me dressed as a doctor, a stethoscope around my neck.”

I mean…can you imagine? At 17/18? In front of all of your friends? Maybe I’m a terrible person, but I would have died. Claude’s all “Nice painting, now can we go to this other party where we can do it?” but Pearl puts him off and he hovers around with Diane, getting angrier and angrier. Jeanne (who is the only member of the Tate family who speaks to Ruby) gives Pearl a gift–a locket with a picture of Paul holding baby Pearl, looking just like he does in Pearl’s dream. Nice? Jeanne leaves and Ruby comes over to see the present, and takes the time to note how handsome Paul was. NO RUBY. Pearl finally tells her mom that she’s heading out, but when she tries to get Claude to just stick around and hang out at the house, he finally flips and dumps her. Catherine ditches Pearl too, and she goes outside to sit alone in the dark and be all sad and whatnot. Ruby comes out and is all “I feel your sadness, daughter” and come ON you guys. Anyone we get a “Drugs are bad and party poopers are awesome!” talk and then everyone goes to bed. Well I know I feel better.

Pearl has a summer job as a candy striper and absolutely nothing happens with this whole section that has any future bearing on the plot except that Pearl makes almost-friends with a co-worker, almost gets raped by a young doctor (but they handwave that away pretty quick), and everyone gives her crap for wanting to be a female doctor. ARGH. Oh! And we learn that Ruby gave Pearl her dime on a string, but didn’t she leave that on Gisselle at the hospital in the last book? Did she…go get it back?! Did she take it off of her in the funeral parlor? What am I forgetting, here?

OKAY FINALLY SOME PLOT. They’re having a big shindig for the opening of Ruby’s new gallery show, and during the party a woman sends a message to Ruby, telling her that Nina Jackson is on her deathbed and is asking for Ruby. Ruby wants to leave immediately, but Beau, who has become a real asshole in the intervening years, is all “But all these people! The pictures! The MAYOR is here!” and even Pearl asks if Nina’s really going to drop dead any minute and they convince Ruby to stay. Finally, Ruby and Pearl head out. We get a nice scene where the cab driver doesn’t want to wait for them because it’s such a terrible neighborhood, but they get to Nina’s house aaaaand

She’s dead. She had something to tell Ruby, something important that she learned from the great beyond, but Ruby didn’t come and she couldn’t wait. Ooops. Hope that was a great party. Ruby does not take this well and goes a little gaga, wandering the halls at night and ignoring her family until Beau decides that the best cure is a family trip to the Dumas ranch where Ruby’s stepmother and sister both died/received fatal illnesses. Good call Beau.

Oh boy, here we go. So they get to the chateau and everyone starts to unwind, and then Jean gets bitten by a snake and dies (for real) and then Pierre goes into a coma state because he blames himself (for real) and then Ruby REALLY loses her shit and starts preforming voodoo rituals in the dead of night in graveyards with black cats (for real) and Beau starts drinking and THIS FAMILY OH MY GOD. Ruby thinks it’s all her fault because she and Paul had that Confederate roleplay sex that time and then one day Pearl comes home from work and Ruby’s just gone. No one knows where she went or if she’s coming back. BUT WAIT!!!! Pearl, while looking for her mom, checks the studio and finds Ruby’s latest painting and IT IS THE BEST. It’s Paul’s body floating in the SWAMPS, only *Jean’s* soul is leaving Paul’s body and there’s a tiny Ruby-face in the background and and AND PAUL’S BODY LOOKS LIKE A SNAKE. LIKE A SNAKE.

A snake a snake! Ooooh Paul’s a snake!

This is my opus, readers, I really think. I—wait. DAMN IT SWAMP THING!

ANYHOW. Ruby’s run off and a few days later Beau and Pearl get a letter from her that says that she’s learned of some voodoo rituals she can do to try and make things right, but she has to leave to do them and hopefully she’ll see them again some day. Beau, who has also apparently grown extremely intolerant of Ruby’s beliefs, gets riled up and finally calls the police. While they’re looking for Ruby, Beau and Pearl decide to head to the BAYOU and see if Ruby’s out there. They check the shack, and find footprints and a picture of Jean with wax dripped on it, proving that Ruby was there and is filming a ’90s Meat Loaf music video. They head over to Cypress Woods, which has been allowed to sink into decline with all of its contents intact, where they then run into two of the men who run the nearby oil rigs and one of them, Jack, is all young and hot AND personally runs the rig that belongs to Pearl. That’s a meet cute if I ever saw one! Beau calls the hospital in New Orleans and learns that Pierre’s taken a turn for the worst, so they have to head back.

Once there, they learn that Pierre’s kidneys are failing and everyone’s like “If only his mother were here!” because life is a fairy tale and love cures everything (although yes, it can’t be good for his mental state that he thinks his mother blames him for Jean’s death).  That night Pearl can’t find her dad and eventually finds him up in Ruby’s studio, dead drunk and lying naked on the settee where he and Ruby did the deed all those years ago. GET NEW FURNITURE. Pearl’s understandably weirded out, especially when Beau starts telling “Ruby” to draw him and Pearl finally just leaves him there. The next day Pearl gets a call from Oil Rig Jack, who tells her that he thinks he saw someone walking through Cypress Woods the night before and maybe it’s Ruby. Pearl tells him she’ll head right down, but Beau’s dead drunk again so she has to go alone. She gets lost on the way, so she stops at a house to get directions to Cypress Woods and while she doesn’t get the comments that the folks make, we the readers do, and it’s clear that they know Buster Trahaw and can’t wait to tell him that Ruby’s daughter’s in town. Pearl gets her directions and gets to the house, where she and Jack don’t find Ruby, but do find a cat’s leg bone that she left behind (Oh Ruby) and have some nice science vs the paranormal conversation. Oh you kids. Pearl wants to sleep in the house in case Ruby comes back, so Jack agrees to stay with her and they make out a little after Pearl has one of her nightmares and Jack gives her a comforting cuddle. And she likes it! She doesn’t overanalyze it! Our little Pearl. The next morning, Pearl calls home and learns from the butler that Beau fell down the stairs drunk the night before and broke his leg, so Pearl decides to stick around Houma and goes to visit Jeanne. Unfortunately, that also means she has to see Gladys Tate, who is visiting Jeanne (lucky thing) and she’s just as nasty as ever. Though Jeanne promises to let Pearl stay with her once Gladys leaves, Gladys is jubilant at the Andreas’ tragedies and declares them all to be Ruby’s fault. Oh you’re no innocent flower, lady. We’ll get to you later.

Pearl checks out the shack again and finds that someone has completely trashed what was left of it (damn, Buster) and while she’s inside she hears mud being thrown at the back of the shack and goes outside just in time to see someone leaving in a pirogue. Unlike her mother, who probably would have waded into the SWAMPS yelling “BUT WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN!” Pearl wisely decides to head out and get some lunch and call her dad. *begrudging approval of Pearl*

I knew this would happen.

What, just like how you knew to sneak into my painting? Shoo.

Beau’s not much better than he was and neither is Pierre (Pearl also calls the hospital) so she heads back to Cypress Woods for the night, making it just as a giant storm breaks. Luckily for her, Jack is there, having come to check on Pearl. Awww. Jack’s okay. I mean, he picked the dullest lady to ever have a book based around her, but that’s not his fault. Jack goes and gets them some food and they have dinner and they totally hook up. You go Pearl! Jack has to head to work the next morning and Pearl is getting ready to go out and call New Orleans when she hears someone in Cypress Woods. She goes out hoping to see Jack or Ruby, but! instead! it’s Buster Trahaw.

UGH.

Let’s just power through this. Buster tells Pearl that he’s an old friend of Ruby’s and that she’s very sick and with him at his house, so with a quick “I’m off with Buster Trahaw! TTYL!” note to Jack, Pearl goes with him. They head into the SWAMPS in Buster’s pirogue and head to (Grandpere Jack’s old shack) Buster’s and SURPRISE PEARL Ruby is not actually there. Buster tells Pearl that she belongs to him since he paid for a Landry and all and makes Pearl take her clothes off and dresses her in a sack dress (he even takes her graverobbed dime-on-a-string) and chains her to a spike embedded in the shack floor. She passes out and when she wakes up he’s left her a note that he’s gone for whiskey and food and expects her to clean up while he’s gone. Pearl tries to get out, but the shack is in the middle of nowhere and there’s a cottonmouth on the deck and I think maybe this is when the Rescuers come into the equation.

She cleans up and waits for Buster to get back, and when he does he pretty quickly passes out and she holds a knife to his throat until he gives her the key (he wakes up) to the padlock and then she chains HIM up, takes the pirogue and starts to get the hell out of there.  Buster is pretty pissed off, however, so he manages to pull the spike out of the floor and try to come after her, but once he’s in the water the chain gets tangled on something and then alligators eat him.

Seriously. That’s what happens.

Damn.

Pearl gets herself back to shore and finds Jack and the police and calls home (Beau’s asleep) and then she and Jack have dinner and go to bed. Pearl wakes up in the night and sees a light in Cypress Woods (she and Jack are in the riggers’ trailer) and they go to investigate. It’s Ruby! And she’s filthy! She’s also in a daze, rambling about Paul and all he went through and WHY are we all still being tormented by the specter of Paul Tate?? and she slept on Grandmere Catherine’s grave and Grandmere told her that she needs to paint the “face of Paul that is in her heart” on a canvas and HELLO you already did the best painting of Paul ever. But I guess it wasn’t enough, so Ruby paints another picture of Paul and then she burns it at Paul’s tomb and then she’s cured.

Well okay.

Pearl and Ruby go back to New Orleans and go see Pierre, but he’s worse than ever. That night at the house, Ruby decides that she has to go to Jean’s grave that night and everyone is afraid that she’s lost it again, but she goes and burns a candle there at midnight and begs Jean to let his brother go and then SURPRISE Pierre starts getting better. That Ruby, she cures everything.  Jack comes to visit Pearl and is all abashed by her wealth, but she gives him some sass and they’re all good. They all go visit Pierre, who is already speaking in whole sentences and eating and wanting to visit the SWAMPS again and everything. Jack has to go back to work and he and Pearl have, well, what’s actually a rather mature parting for one of these books. They acknowledge their feelings for each other, but also that they come from very different backgrounds and that they each have responsibilities in their respective homes, so they’re just going to focus on the good stuff and take it bit by bit. What, no “I will die without you!”, no “Nothing else matters!”? Huh. Look at you kids.

EPILOGUE

Pierre gets better little by little until he can go to Jean’s grave, and he starts to become more outgoing and happy; Pearl starts college, where Jack visits her, though he’s slightly uncomfortable on the campus still; Jeanne tells the family that Gladys is dead and that she’s planning to restore Cypress Woods; Pearl spends more time in the BAYOU and starts to appreciate it more; Jack restores Grandmere’s shack and Pearl and Ruby visit it often. And the book ends with Pearl and Jack sitting on the shack’s porch, being all schmoopy and looking at another one of those damn marsh hawks. And that is THE END.

Okay! Remind me to never do anything like this ever again oh my BRAIN. I was planning on recapping the Flowers in the Attic movie since it’s currently on Netflix Instant, but our ongoing computer troubles are putting the brakes on that. I can borrow this laptop for typing up this recap, but not so much for watching the movie, screencapping, and all of that. I still plan on doing that, don’t worry! It just won’t be next. What WILL be next is the conclusion/beginning of the Landry series, Tarnished Gold. Finally, all of our unanswered questions about…yeah, no. What we will have is some quality Gladys lunacy, plenty of lame-ass young Pierre Dumas, and my adamant refusal to spell it “Gabriel”.

See you then!

Nice blouse/eyeshadow combo.

Oooooh it’s so mysterious ooooooooooooooooh

Meh.

This cover (which is actually the back of the book for me, since I own this gem in ~*hardcover*~) is a pretty straightforward one. There aren’t a ton of characters, but it gets a lot of the general atmosphere of the book into it nicely.

So, in front there, naturally, is our new heroine, Pearl. I don’t necessarily recall an instance in the book where Pearl wears a goldenrod blouse/red skirt combo, but I wouldn’t put it past her. She is blonde and stunned fairly often in this book, so I think that’s a pretty accurate cover portrait. And, okay, upon rereading, I have to concede that I was a LITTLE bit unfair to Pearl. She gets some shit done, that’s for sure. She’s just still so…dull, though.

Behind her on the (our) left there is her (eventual, he doesn’t show up till more than halfway in) love interest Jack Clovis. Jack’s actually a pretty nice character, he’s a little rough around the edges in that “she’s a city girl, he operates the oil rig named after her in the SWAMPS” kind of way, but he’s supportive of Pearl without being too patronizing and into her without being a creeper. It’s refreshing, almost.

On (our) right is our former heroine, Ms. Ruby Landry Dumas Tate Andreas. Ruby LOSES it in this book and paints one of the most kick-ass (if depressing) paintings ever described in these books. It’s amazing. I can only pray to be able to capture it in MS Paint. Ruby’s got some pretty fabulous early ’90s-prime time-soap hair going on, too. All that aside, though, this book makes me miss Ruby-as-she-was. That should tell you something.

Oh, and the setting for this cover is the remains of Cypress Woods, which Gladys has allowed to rot undisturbed. It’s full of cobwebs and broken glass (and priceless works of art?) and is just a big moldering heap in the SWAMPS surrounded by active oil rigs.

Okay, SIGH, it’s time for that guy in the back there. Yeah, that’s Buster Trahaw. We’ve gone all the way back to Buster Trahaw. That’s what happens when you effectively eliminate all possible fourth-book villains in your third book. No Daphne, no Gisselle, hell, even Gladys Tate has been written off as too ill and old to really menace anyone, so we get good ol’ Buster Trahaw. He’s not even worth putting on the cover, really, he’s barely in the book.

NOT PICTURED:

Beau, who is a judgmental, horrible wreck of a man in this book

Pierre & Jean, Pearl’s twin brothers

Any of the folks from Pearl’s hospital job

Any of the voodoo-related people from Ruby’s storyline

So there’s our new cast of characters! Excited? Are you excited? GET EXCITED DAMMIT.

Awww we’ve (at long last) reached the thrilling conclusion of All That Glitters. This is actually sort of bittersweet, since this is the last Landry novel to have Ruby as its narrator and protagonist. I’d be excited, if that didn’t mean Pearl and Gabrielle were in our futures. Okay, okay, Gabrielle’s not that bad. But we must carry on somehow and with that plucky attitude in mind, we now return to All That Glitters: Trial by Jury.

The action (?) picks up in Beau and Ruby’s lawyer’s office. The lawyer, Monsieur Polk, is a man of Wellesian-proportions* in a fancy suit who is understandably bemused by the story that they’re telling him. Can you imagine?

“Okay, see, I was dating Ruby’s sister Gisselle, but then I left her for Ruby, so then Ruby got pregnant and I got sent to France and engaged to someone else, and then Ruby married her childhood friend Paul and they told everyone Pearl, that’s our daughter, Pearl, anyway they told everyone that Pearl was THEIR daughter but then I broke up with my French fiancee and came back to the States but Ruby was married so I got back together with Gisselle and married her and then Gisselle was in a coma so Ruby switched places with her and Gisselle died then Paul went crazy and died and so everyone thinks Ruby died and now Paul’s family wants Pearl even though THIS Gisselle is really Ruby and Pearl is our baby so we’d really like her back.”

GOOD GOD I DID THAT FROM MEMORY.

Polk tells Beau and Ruby that the first thing they need to do is establish, legally, that Ruby is indeed Ruby and then Beau can testify that he is in fact Pearl’s father. Polk is discouraged to hear how absolutely identical Ruby and Gisselle were (give or take a few pounds, Beau helpfully adds, and you just know Gisselle was the one with those pounds, not precious Ruby), but he has some hope that Gisselle’s hospital records from her car accident. She and Ruby might even have different blood types! He muses that a friend told him that in a few years there might be “DNA testing” that would solve this whole thing no problem, but that’s years and years away. Was DNA really a casual topic of conversation in the 1960s/’70s? He’s discouraged again when he learns that Gisselle’s injury involved no broken bones, only nerve damage that later healed. Given her recovery, there might not be a way to distinguish her x-rays from any Ruby might get. Beau thinks that the fact that Ruby’s had a baby and Gisselle never did might help, but Polk points out that Gisselle might have been pregnant in the past and had an abortion, so exhuming the body might just prove that both twins had been pregnant. Polk rightfully calls the whole situation bizarre. Beau made an arrangement with the doctor who initially treated Gisselle (as Gisselle) for her encephalitis, so he’s out as a witness, as are the ranch servants since one couple don’t speak English very well, one saw nothing, and one is too “timid” to swear to anything. Is that really an excuse for getting out of being a witness in a trial? “I’m sorry, your honor, but my client is too shy.”

What else, what else? Dental records! Nope, both twins have absolutely perfect teeth, even born in the SWAMPS Ruby. Handwriting? (Ruby’s is better!) Maaaybe, but they’ll just get their own experts who will discredit it. Louis? Um, no, Polk’s not putting a formerly blind man on the stand. Polk plays devil’s advocate (I see what you did there, Neiderman) and suggests that Paul’s land (what with the oil and the money that Pearl will inherit) might be seen as the Andreas’ motivation. They are naturally appalled, but he points out that those are valid thoughts for the Tates to have. He’s also not going to put poor Pearl on the stand, which Beau actually suggests. Damn it, Beau. Ruby is upset that this appears to be a lengthy process, and Polk brings up the idea that they maybe just try talking to Gladys Tate and seeing what it is that she really wants. He suggests that they might offer to sign over the oil rights if maybe the money is her motivation. Because Ruby is a moron who’s forgotten that Gladys threatened her very happiness not a few weeks before, she thinks that this might pan out!

SPOILER: It doesn’t.

They drive immediately to Houma and Gladys agrees to speak with them. Beau does all the talking at first and tries to remind her that Paul loved Ruby and Pearl and wanted to make a home for them, regardless of the truth of his and Ruby’s marriage. Gladys ain’t hearing this, though, and she finally spits out some of the reason that she hates Ruby so much. See, Paul and his mother used to be really close (NOT Louis and his mom close) and then Ruby “charmed him away”. Ruby protests that she tried to convince Paul that they couldn’t be together, but that just makes Gladys angrier, since, obviously, Ruby discouraged Paul’s affection by telling him the truth about being Gabrielle’s son. That further drove Paul and Gladys apart and now he’s dead and she’s going to make sure that Pearl grows up there, with his family. Beau brings up the inheritance, but that’s the last straw for Gladys and she throws them out.

An unspecified amount of time passes before their court date. Gladys leaks some info to the press, so the papers are full of headlines about twins claiming to be other twins and fun stuff like that. I gotta say, that would be a great news story, huh? Can you imagine? The court date arrives and Beau and Ruby head in. Ruby is immediately on edge when it becomes clear that the judge has no patience for “rich New Orleans people” and is already unhappy with the number of onlookers and reporters. The judge is annoyed when Polk isn’t entering any medical records as evidence, just handwriting samples and the like. So the trial begins with Beau’s testimony and naturally everything about their story sounds cockamamie and ridiculous because it IS. Gladys groans dramatically at appropriate points. When it’s time for Ruby to take the stand, she describes Pearl’s birth for the judge and is about to draw something to prove that SHE’S the artistic twin, but Gladys’ lawyers shut that right down, arguing that while it is a fact that Ruby is artistically talented, there is no evidence that Gisselle wasn’t too. When she’s cross-examined, Tate Lawyer (they have two, but they’re pretty interchangeable) asks her why she married Paul if she was in love with Beau. She starts to describe her love for Paul as sisterly, but doesn’t to spare the Tates. And also because she probably remembered that time that they banged. She is forced to admit that she saw Beau “romantically” whilst still married to Paul. Shock! Horror! Gasps! The lawyer points out the improbability of a man knowing this about his wife and not only accepting it but then agreeing to help her go and live with said other man, and when Ruby leaves the stand shaking, the court goes into recess.

During the recess Beau and Ruby go and hide out in a little side room, where Ruby lies down and Monsieur Polk goes to make a phone call. He doesn’t seem too happy, but then, why should he? Ruby frets that everything is going to hell and Beau tries to assure her that it’s not. Yes, it is. Their pity party is interrupted by Jeanne, who, it seems, has started to believe their story despite her mother telling her that it’s all lies. Jeanne doesn’t understand how, if Ruby IS Ruby, she could have done Paul that way.

No, not THAT way.

Ruby tells her that she did love Paul, just not the way that she loves Beau, and she reminds Jeanne of the talk that they had after Jeanne married James. Jeanne is still dubious, but this seems to get to her. She leaves after telling Ruby that she feels sorry for her. Polk comes back in to tell them that he has bad news: the Tates’ lawyers have a surprise witness, one whom Polk has been told can sew everything up for them. Beau and Ruby assure him that they’ve told him everything and don’t know who it could be. They go back to the courtroom where Polk presents the papers they’ve drawn up wherein Beau and Ruby give up any rights to Paul’s estate. The Tate lawyers point out that even if Beau and Ruby give up their rights, they’d still have access to the money as Pearl’s guardians. Polk counters this by noting that, since their claim is that Beau, not Paul, is Pearl’s father, she’d have no right to the estate either. The judge is like, yeah, cool, let’s get on with this nuttery. The Tates’ lawyers then call up their surprise witness aaaaand…

It’s Bruce!

Beau and Ruby immediately tell Polk that Bruce will say anything, even under oath, and that he’s a drunk and will do anything to get back at them. Polk is like, maybe you could have TOLD ME THIS. They’re even terrible legal clients! Bruce tells the court that he was the twins’ stepfather and that he knew them “intimately” GROSS, and that after Daphne’s death they threw him out of his house and business illegally. He points to Ruby as the twin who recently had him bodily thrown out of the house when he just wanted to talk to her, which, (as he has described Ruby as a shy innocent and Gisselle as a heartless bitch) seems to point pretty strongly towards the woman in the courtroom being Gisselle. Ruby gets suspicious when the other lawyers seem to be giving some credence to the idea that she’s Ruby, but that’s just so they can let Bruce drop the bomb that he would know Gisselle because he’d slept with her.  Shock! Horror! Gasps! Bruce points out that since the woman he fought with (Ruby) knew about his affair with Gisselle, she must therefore BE Gisselle. Oh come on, Bruce. We know you know the truth, but even so, that’s lame. Do you really think Gisselle wouldn’t have told everyone?

During all of this, Beau has been hastily writing down questions for Polk to ask Bruce. The questions are mainly about Bruce and Daphne’s shady financial dealings and while they definitely rile Bruce up, the Tates’ lawyers get the judge to sustain their objection to…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What…What! Oh, hey sorry. Um, it’s just that legal drama in the penultimate moments of a book when we all KNOW what the outcome is gonna be…anyway.

Bruce leaves the stand (but never our hearts) and Gladys is called. She plays her role to the hilt, weeping into a handkerchief, talking about how close she and Paul were, how much she tried to make Ruby a part of their family, how much Pearl looks like Paul…and she (naturally) totally denies knowing anything about the twin-switching plan. She throws in a few barbs, like why would a religious man who loved his wife willingly allow her to go and live in sin with another man? And why would Paul marry a woman who was having someone else’s child? that get seem to get the audience on her side. She notes how messed up Paul got after “Ruby’s” coma and denies that he could have been that upset if it was really Gisselle. Her lawyers also bring up Beau and Ruby’s recent visit (when they offered her the land and whatnot) and frames it as them coming to make her a deal: 50% of Paul’s estate if Gladys would call off the court date and give Pearl to them. Naturally Beau (which I just spelled as Bear and then Beat) and Ruby are flabbergasted and Polk at no point notes that it was, y’know, HIS IDEA that they go to see Gladys in the first place. Humph. Well, the judge is clearly about done with this nonsense and when the Tates’ lawyers close their case, Ruby decides to go for broke and tells Polk to call Octavious to the stand. She writes down a bunch of questions and Polk is decidedly shocked by the route this is taking, but Ruby assures him that it’s all true.

Octavious takes the stand and Monsieur Polk asks him about the time he came to Ruby’s shack and asked her not to marry Paul. Octavious lamely says that he just thought that they were too young and should wait, since Paul had just really started his business and built his home, and when Polk points out that that seems like a good time to get married (oh the past), he pushes Octavious to admit that there was another reason. Octavious admits finally that Paul never exactly told him that Pearl was Paul’s child, he just said that he wanted to provide for Ruby and Pearl. He’s clearly suffering up there and when Ruby calls to him to do the right thing, he finally breaks down, telling Gladys that he’s tired of hiding behind his lies and he can’t take Pearl from Ruby. He admits to the court that years ago he was unfaithful to his wife and that Paul was born as a result, making him and Ruby half-siblings.

SHOCK! HORROR! GASPS!

Polk asks the judge that they continue in his chambers since the courtroom is in a ruckus and Gladys just fainted and Octavious is crying…

and no one points out that the fact that Paul and Ruby were half-siblings does not necessarily mean that Pearl can’t be their kid, but WHATEVER THESE AREN’T FOXWORTHS, so let’s move on.

The judge wants to see Ruby alone, so she heads in to his chambers, stopping to forgive Octavious on the way (blargh), and though the judge takes the MOST roundabout way of telling her, he’s decided for her and Beau. She has to become Ruby again immediately and invite the judge to her and Beau’s wedding, but whatever to your fraud and weirdness, it’s clear you love each other and your baby so here’s Pearl!

…yay?

Ruby runs back out and tells Beau and they’re so happy and they even get a blessing from one of Grandmere’s old friends. Are none of these people (saving the Tates) at ALL pissed off that they thought that Ruby was sick and died?? On the way back to New Orleans, Ruby has Beau stop so that she can have a moment at Grandmere Catherine’s grave and promise to Paul’s spirit that she’ll be back some day.

FORESHADOWING

Sadly you are correct, my friend.

EPILOGUE!

Ruby and Beau have a quiet wedding and totally redo the New Orleans house. She puts everything of Daphne’s in the attic, but gives Gisselle’s things away to thrift shops and charities, which doesn’t make total sense to me (why not give ALL of it away?), and she keeps Jean’s room as the shrine that Pierre had made it. Healthy? She starts painting again in earnest and one of her first pictures is a woman with a baby, who Beau claims looks just like Ruby (the woman, not the baby) and a few weeks later Ruby realizes that she’s pregnant, so it was totally a psychic painting.

It's a gazebo, okay?

Beau (and this is important for the next book) swears that he thinks that this means that Ruby’s inherited some of Grandmere’s powers, and he even thinks the same of Pearl, saying that she sometimes seems years old than four (Pearl is FOUR??), which, I dunno, Beau, might have something to do with ALL OF THE NONSENSE SHE’S EXPERIENCED. Don’t worry, it won’t make her interesting. Beau tracks down Nina Jackson and brings her to visit Ruby, where she too agrees that Pearl is special (nah) and assures Ruby that the curse she set on Gisselle has blown out of her (Ruby’s) heart, which is all that matters. Wait, what? I don’t…you know what? NEVER MIND. Ruby goes into labor shortly thereafter and gives birth to twin boys (nuts to your psychic painting!), whom she and Beau name Pierre and Jean. Oh good, name-doubling. This won’t get weird for recapping. Oh well, at least the other Pierre and Jean are dead, so that will help…

FORESHADOWING

DAMN IT. But that’s for later. Beau jokes to Ruby (immediately after she gives birth) that they’re not giving either of the twins away. WTF! How is that possibly appropriate?? NO BEAU, NO. Ruby promises to herself that her twins will always love each other. Pearl is a little overwhelmed by all this (and as the four-years-older sister of twin brothers, I totally understand, but I still don’t like her) but aww they’re such a happy family blah dee blee. One day, Ruby gets a letter from Jeanne, telling her that Gladys had wanted the house purged of all Ruby-related items, but that Jeanne hadn’t had the heart to throw the enclosed away and thought Paul would want Ruby to have it. It’s a photo of Paul and Ruby, taken at that long-ago fais dodo when they just thought that they were normal teenagers on a date that got interrupted when someone called her a bastard and her date got into a fight with him. Who doesn’t have that memory? And All That Glitters ends with Ruby loking up at the sky, seeing a pirogue-shaped cloud, and thinking that she can hear Grandmere whispering in the wind, giving her hope.

Yeah, don’t bank on those voices too much, Ruby.

So that’s All That Glitters, ladies and gentlemen and Swamp Thing! Thank you so much for bearing with me with all of my starts and jumps and nonsense! I know I have a terrible track record with timely posting, but I really really appreciate every single one of you who’ve stuck with me and leave me all of these awesome comments, both here and on Facebook and Twitter. It really does mean a lot to me, and I’m glad you like my shenanigans.

Coming up in this space: Pearl Andreas does some stuff, Gabrielle Landry has a baby in an attic (heeeey), and as a very special jump ahead, I will be reviewing a certain movie version of a certain VCA work.

See you there!!

SHAMELESS PITCH:

The In the Attic Facebook Page

and the Twitter

*OMG I love you Orson Welles, I’m sorry but I had to.

Hello y’all!

So a little something different this time!  Along with the biggest apology I can muster for posting this so late.

See, back in September, I got a comment from Katherine Coldiron asking me if I would check out her book Falling Leaves and then get the word out to you fine people about it. And I said that I would, and then I shamefully did not keep my word. I am amending that tonight!

I read the book  the other weekend and I thought it was a lot of fun, especially for those of us who enjoy the works of VCA. (and co.) It has most everything I like in my gothic-esque romantic fiction: Twins who may be too close, mysterious strangers, family secrets…well, I can’t tell you everything about it, obviously, but I was definitely engrossed. I wanted to know what the answers to the protagonist’s questions were, and who the people in a strange photograph were, and I’m glad that it’s (hopefully!) the first in a series, because if I have one small issue with the story, it’s that it ends a little abruptly for my taste.

There are links to buy the book here: http://www.kcoldiron.com/writing/fallingleaves.htm. I love supporting self-published authors (procrastination notwithstanding) and lord knows I love me a V.C. Andrews homage, so I hope that some of you will give it a shot!

A quick note for the searchers who want the “OMG sex!” details of “when Chris and Cathy have sex in Flowers in the Attic“. (I don’t feel like bringing this up in a Search Term Post because, well…)

They don’t. He rapes her. She forgives him and yes, they do later begin a consensual sexual relationship (to a degree, but that’s all for later), but in Flowers in the Attic he rapes her.

So, yeah. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but there have been a LOT of searches along those lines lately and I guess today was my limit. So…okay.

How about a recap?

Beau and Ruby (with Pearl) head down to Cypress Woods to see Paul. When they get there, they find him joined by his sisters, who are happy to see Pearl but none too thrilled to see Beau and “Gisselle”. Paul, unsurprisingly, is drunk, and is speaking mostly in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?-esque slurry sarcasm. Jeanne whisks Pearl away and Toby goes to make lunch arrangements, leaving Ruby and Beau with Paul. Paul starts rambling about dreams and fate and SWAMP mud

Sounds okay to me.

Seriously? I’m not a paragraph in! Shoo.

ANYWAY. Paul starts talking about Grandmere Catherine and how she used to say that if you swim against the tide, you drown (cheery old Grandma wisdom) and acts as though Ruby is really Gisselle and never knew her grandmother. Ruby begs him to knock it off and tell the truth, which naturally brings on a rant about how ironic it is that either Beau or Ruby would talk about the truth and it also give us this gem:

“What is the truth? Is it that love is a really a cruel sword we turn on ourselves, exquisite torment?”

Yes. Yes, that’s exactly it. He wants to know why Beau gets to be so lucky and Beau doesn’t really have an answer, he just reminds Paul that he made a promise to Ruby and he needs to keep it.  Beau offers to help Paul send Gisselle to a New Orleans hospital, but Paul refuses, again claiming that Gisselle is Ruby and that he takes his wedding vows seriously. That’s all Paul has to say, so he leaves them to go lie down, and then…and then…

HE ROLLS BACK DOWN THE STAIRS.

Hahahahahahaha oh I shouldn’t laugh at poor drunk Paul, but oh my stars he rolls down the stairs. Beau and the butler help him up to his room and Ruby cries for a while. Beau returns and they discuss again how they shouldn’t have let Paul be so involved. Well, it’s too bad guys, but you did. And now he’s drunk and crazy, so it’s just a marvelous plan you guys have going on there. Jeanne comes down with Pearl and is a little put out by how happy Pearl is to see “Gisselle”. She tells Beau and Ruby that she thinks that Pearl thinks that “Gisselle” is her mother and she just thinks it’s so sad that a little girl would make that kind of mistake. She starts to suggest that they leave Pearl with her, but Ruby cuts her off, explaining that they’re fine and have hired a nanny. Jeanne is clearly judging them for that, but they get interrupted by the appearance of Toby and lunch.

After lunch, the adults (sans Pearl and Paul) sit out on the terrace drinking coffee and Ruby asks if Gladys has been to the hospital to see, er…Ruby. She hasn’t, because as Toby explains, she just hates hospitals, which is why she had Paul at home. Mmm hmmm. Jeanne asks if they’re going to go and Ruby does her best Gisselle and notes that her sister is just lying there in a bed, so what’s the point? Jeanne starts to cry and Toby gets pissed. Smooooooooooooth, guys. Ruby hastily says that maybe they should go visit her and goes back in the house, followed by Beau. Ruby blames herself for everything, reminding Beau of that time she had the voodoo curse put on Gisselle. Beau’s tired of that noise, so he just asks if she wants to wait until Pearl wakes up or leave then. They decide to go then and collect Pearl on the way back. Before they leave, however, Ruby runs back to her old room to get her pouch of five-finger grass and the dime on a string that Nina once gave her.

They go to see Gisselle and Ruby cries some more and ties the dime around Gisselle’s ankle and puts the pouch under her pillow. Beau isn’t thrilled since he thinks people will get suspicious, but Ruby assures him that they’ll just think some of Grandmere’s friends did it. They swing back to Cypress Woods to get Pearl and Jeanne suggests, again, that they leave the baby with her. Ruby insists it’s no trouble and that she once promised her sister that she’d watch Pearl, and they get the heck out of Dodge before Jeanne can push it some more. Really, guys? Did you really not think that there’d ever be an issue with the custody of Pearl? As far as the world knows, you are Pearl’s non-biological uncle and her bitchy bitchy aunt. Why would anyone think you were the best choice of guardian next to, say, her sweet supposedly biological aunt who lives right near her father? Sigh. This is just the worst plan. Bridget on Ringer took over her sister’s life like two hours after her sister allegedly died and she still did a better job than this.

So they go home to New Orleans. Some time goes by, in which Ruby manages to alienate all of Gisselle’s old friends, and spends most of her days taking care of Pearl and painting. Whenever she calls to talk to Paul, he’s unavailable, so she gets the increasingly bitchy Toby who also brings up the fact that she thinks that Pearl should be returned to Paul. (Y’all really never thought this would be an issue?) Ruby whines some more to Beau about spiders’ webs and fate and blah blah blah YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF. IF YOU’D JUST GOTTEN DIVORCES THIS WOULD NOT BE AN ISSUE.

Well, it wouldn’t be our Ruby’s life if something majorly dramatic didn’t happen right about now, so here it is. She’s up painting in her studio one day when the butler comes to tell her that she has a visitor and before Ruby can find out who it is, he busts into the room. It’s Bruce! Good old Bruce. He smells of gin! He’s unshaven! His collar is undone! His tie is stained! Hell, at least he still has a tie on. That is some classy drunkery. He immediately starts making fun of Ruby, assuming that she’s Gisselle pretending to have her sister’s talent. She tries to get rid of him, but oh no, he wants to have his say. He tries to blackmail her by reminding her of the time that he slept with Gisselle, but Ruby tells him that Beau knows all about it and it’s an empty threat. And then, he notices that the paint on the canvas is still wet. And even drunk, Bruce can put two and two together and realizes that she’s Ruby. Ruby starts to freak out and then Beau rushes in and starts wrangling Bruce out. Bruce thinks that this is all some insurance scam and threatens to tell everyone, which Beau just laughs at and throws him out.

 Ruby is justifiably freaked out, but Beau tries to calm her down, telling her that no one is going to believe old drunk Bruce

Exactly this will happen if he tries to tell anyone.

but Ruby isn’t so sure and she starts to get ever more anxious and paranoid. Oh and apparently they still have a portrait of Daphne up in the house and Ruby can feel it smirking at her. Am I really to believe that Gisselle wouldn’t have hosted a burning party for that? Come on.

More time passes and Beau seems to be right–if Bruce says anything, no one believes him. Gisselle’s condition stays the same, but Paul gets worse and worse, even sleeping in Ruby and Grandmere’s old shack some nights. Jeanne tries to guilt “Gisselle” into coming to visit her sister, but Ruby says it’s too hard for her. Jeanne is also starting to get pretty insistent about the Pearl situation, though she admits that Gladys seems to agree with “Gisselle” for now, and Paul won’t discuss it. Ruby gets painter’s block after what happened with Bruce (Oh noooooo). And then…oh lord. And then one day, Ruby gets another visitor.

It’s Louis! (yaaaaaay?) We get some recap about who Louis is and it takes right up to him walking into the room for Ruby to remember that she has to pretend to be Gisselle. My GOD this is the worst plan. She and Louis make polite conversation about “Ruby’s” condition and we hear a little about how popular Louis was as a performer in Europe. He’s brought along some tickets to his New Orleans show for Beau and Gisselle. He’ll be playing Ruby’s Symphony at the concert. Of course he will. He manages to get in a dig about how he thought Beau was Ruby’s boyfriend, not Gisselle’s, and how he’d hoped for something with Ruby, but she had been in love with Beau. Is this at all appropriate conversation, Louis? God. Oh and we find out that his grandmother recently died and that after her death his cousin retired and a nice lady now runs Greenwood, so someday they can send Pearl there. Oh I’m so sure. As he’s leaving, Louis hopes that Gisselle and Beau will attend the concert, noting, in a whisper, that he’s sure she’ll recognize the music. Oops. Ruby’s like, “Oh riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, you were blind when you met me”, but he doesn’t want details, just to let her know that he knows. And then he leaves. Well, that was pointless. No, really, it was. It comes up later that Louis knew that she was Ruby, but not in a way that helps at all.

Beau doesn’t think that they should go to the concert, since Gisselle wouldn’t, but Ruby has had it up to HERE with doing things like Gisselle would. Well then maybe you shouldn’t have TAKEN OVER HER LIFE, RUBY. Ruby’s tired of acting like a worthless spoiled brat, and when Beau laughs and agrees that’s what Gisselle was, Ruby’s all “Why’d you MARRY her then??” and Beau’s all “You KNOW why, it was so I could pretend she was YOU” and then he sulks away and oh god I hate them both so much. Whatever, they make up and go to the concert and blah dee blee they go and it’s amazing and then the next morning Jeanne calls to tell them that Gisselle is dead.

Damn.

They go down to Cypress Woods for the funeral and Paul is drunk the whole time and refuses to even see them, claiming that it’s too hard for him to look at “Gisselle”. The funeral is very crowded and everyone is grief-stricken, which just drives Ruby’s guilt even harder. She’s not good at this faking her death stuff. They leave shortly after the funeral, but receive a phone call a few days later from a creepy-voiced Gladys Tate who tells them that Paul is missing and it’s all their fault. Turns out that Paul told his mother all about the switch and he went into the canals in a pirogue the night before and hasn’t come back. Gladys is convinced that Ruby bewitched Paul the way that Gabrielle bewitched Octavious and she promises that she won’t let Paul suffer without Ruby suffering twice as much. Beau is more concerned with Gladys knowing the truth than he is about Paul being missing, but at Ruby’s insistence they head down to Cypress Woods to help search.

Jeanne and Toby (who haven’t been told the truth) are less than thrilled to see the Andreas, and are dubious that they’re going to be at all helpful. Well, so would I. Ruby insists that her sister told her all about some of Ruby and Paul’s favorite places and that she’s sure she’d be able to get them there. James (Jeanne’s husband) agrees to take them out in his boat. Beau gets freaked out by every owl and snake he sees, so that’s funny anyway. Ruby manages to guide them to a secret little pond where she and Paul used to hang out, and sure enough, there’s Paul’s boat, and…ooops. Paul. He’s dead too.

The Andreas leave that night, since the Tates clearly don’t want or need them at Cypress Woods. Ruby is immediately overcome with guilt, blaming herself for everything. Well…Beau insists she’s not to blame and that Paul brought this on himself. Well…Ruby finally gets herself out of bed and plays with Pearl for a little while, and as she’s heading down to make plans for lunch, she gets a call from Toby. Toby doesn’t want to hear Ruby’s condolences, she wants to pass along the message from Gladys that Beau and Gisselle are not wanted at Paul’s funeral. And when Ruby tries to argue, Toby drops the other bomb: They’re also sending a car with a lawyer and a nanny in it, to pick up Pearl and take her home to Cypress Woods. Gladys has decided that Paul’s daughter belongs with her grandparents and not her aunt and uncle, so Pearl is to be ready to go by 3pm. Ruby is in shock but manages to tell Toby that it’s not going to happen and she can tell her mother that she KNOWS why. Toby’s unimpressed, and tells her that the car will be there at 3. Ruby calls Beau, who comes home immediately and tries to reassure Ruby. Ruby rather sensibly points out that she and Gisselle were born in a shack so there are no birth certificates, no blood work, nothing to prove that she’s not Gisselle and they’ve done such a good job of hiding it (HAVE you?) that they have no way out. Beau’s still insisting that it’s going to be fine. Y’all, I did tell you that this was going to happen. The car comes at three and Beau refuses to hand over Pearl, telling the lawyer that Pearl is his and his wife’s daughter, and she’s not going anywhere. The lawyer is heartily confused, but leaves. It’s not over, of course, as the car returns later, with a policeman in tow. They’ve brought official paperwork this time, and Beau is forced to realize that they don’t have a choice. And as Ruby fights and Pearl cries, Pearl is taken to Gladys Tate. OMG WHAT WILL HAPPEN??

Okay guys, this is the home stretch! The next recap will conclude All That Glitters. I have to admit, I’m not overly enthusiastic about Hidden Jewel because Pearl is dull as paint, but I will do it because I love you guys.

Coming up next: Court battles! Um…yeah, that’s really it.

RIP Gisselle Landry Dumas Andreas, you were amazing, if not without terrible flaws.

RIP Paul Tate, you…were lousy.

Oh, and stay tuned for a special post right after this one!

Greetings and salutations!! So, like, I’m back and stuff. Apologies in advance for this recap–nothing too exciting happens, but it’s building up to some wacky stuff!

When we left our merry band of idiots, Gisselle had contracted St. Louis encephalitis, which had put her into what was likely a permanent coma; Beau had pitched the idea of pretending that it was Ruby who was sick, so that Real!Ruby could take Gisselle’s place and be with Beau; and Paul had agreed to take care of Gisselle under the guise of Ruby. There is nothing that could possibly go wrong with this.

Ruby and Paul make their plans to head out to the ranch, but Ruby is getting extremely worked up about the whole thing and worries that she’ll someday be punished for the deceit. Don’t worry, Ruby. At this point, even God is like “I’m not dealing with this right now”.  Paul seems to be okay with the whole thing until they’re about to leave, when he tells Ruby that she’s going to miss Cypress Woods and that once she takes on Gisselle’s life, she can’t ever come back. Naturally though he backtracks almost immediately, allowing that if Beau turns out to be an asshole or something, Ruby can always come home. Ruby’s just like “Get over it Paul, you’re so creepy” and they leave for the ranch.

The ranch is sprawling and amazing and gorgeous, but that’s all nothing to Ruby, of course, since she’s just there to start living a LIE. They all go in to stare at poor Gisselle and Beau points out that they’ll have to exchange their rings. He’s already taken Gisselle’s off! How helpful and eager and creepy, Beau. Ruby has trouble getting her’s off, which pleases Paul to no end, but eventually off it comes and the rings are switched. Oh, I guess Paul’s heading out with Gisselle right away, because he’s already sending for the station wagon. He notes that he spoke to some specialists about the condition already, and that he was given some hope that she could recover. Ruby almost calls off the whole thing, but decides against it. She feels sad that Paul is clinging to his hopes this way.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

But, um, Ruby, what Paul is hoping is that your twin sister recovers from her serious illness. You are the worst, Ruby Landry Dumas Tate.

Beau goes with Paul to help him and Ruby tells him about Paul’s terrible hopes. Beau assures her that his doctors have said Gisselle will never wake up, and tells Ruby that it’s too late to turn back. Why?? NOBODY KNOWS THAT ANYTHING HAS HAPPENED. NOW IS THE BEST POSSIBLE TIME NOT TO DO THIS YOU TERRIBLE PEOPLE. Oh well, I guess it’s all settled. Ruby waits around for Beau to come back and then they’re both sad that they’re too tired and stressed to have sex. Oh you are the worst. They head back to New Orleans where Ruby is momentarily bummed out when Beau tells her that he fired all of the servants before they came back (so that Ruby doesn’t have to be in 100% Gisselle mode all the time) but she’s soon soothed when she sees how nicely Beau had Pearl’s nursery set up. Everything in Gisselle’s room is a mess and Ruby clucks her tongue and acts all shocked, noting that Gisselle is going to have some extreme character changes. Beau laughs. OH THAT’S SO FUNNY THAT SILLY OLD GISSELLE WHAT WITH HER MESSINESS AND HER LAZINESS AND HER SEVERE ILLNESS. While they’re standing there chuckling over themselves, Gisselle’s friend Pauline calls, and Ruby has to put on her first Gisselle act.

Pauline is annoyed because she was supposed to head out to the ranch that afternoon, but randomly called to ask about something and was told that Beau and Gisselle had gone home. Ruby puts on her best bitch voice and explains (like it’s all such a hassle) that her sister and brother-in-law came out, and her sister got sick, and now poor Gisselle has to take care of the baby. Pauline is more than a little surprised that Gisselle is taking care of a baby, but Ruby cuts her off and hangs up. Beau is impressed and a little concerned by how well Ruby did that. They go out to dinner where Ruby is horrified by Gisselle’s low-cut wardrobe and quickly realizes that people are much nicer to Beau than to her because everyone secretly hates Gisselle. They have a ridiculous romantic evening and are woken up when Paul calls to tell them that his doctors have requested a number of tests on Gisselle because they’re not as pessimistic as Beau’s doctors were. Ruby and Beau whine a little more about how Paul just can’t let sleeping dogs lie.

THE WORST OF ALL POSSIBLE PEOPLE.

Ruby is quickly frustrated with her life as Gisselle, since she can’t cook for the family (since Gisselle couldn’t even boil water), she can’t help with the business (because Gisselle didn’t care) and while she’s in her studio later that morning with Pearl, she’s interrupted by a knock on one of the French doors and soon learns that Gisselle had a lover whom she would meet in the studio. She chases him away, but learns through what he says that Gisselle has had several affairs since getting married to Beau. When Beau comes home later, Ruby tells him what happened and is stunned that he pretty much knew and apologizes for not preparing her. But! it’s all forgotten when it’s time to interview new servants! We only get the racial background of the cook, but Ruby’s sure to let us know that she’s a quadroon woman. Thanks, Ruby. Beau and Ruby go to dinner at his parents’ house, who, we’re told, are no fonder of Gisselle than they ever were of Ruby. Dinner is awkward as all hell, with the Andreas parents referring to Ruby (aka Gisselle) as “that CAJUN girl” and disapproving of Beau and Gisselle’s decision to take care of Pearl. After dinner when Mrs. Andreas gives Ruby a bracelet that she bought for her in Amsterdam, Ruby makes the mistake of calling her “Mother”. Nothing seems to come of it, though, and their evening is further disrupted when they arrive home to a message from Paul.

Ruby calls him back, and he tells her that Gisselle suffered some severe seizures and has now fallen into a deeper coma. If she does ever wake up, she’s likely to have permanent brain damage. Ruby is horrified, but Paul’s all “Didn’t you once get a voodoo curse put on her? So you suck” and Ruby’s all “I can’t believe you’d throw that back in my face!” and then Paul hangs up on her. Woo! Get her, Paul. For once. Cause she’s the worst. Ruby tells Beau that no matter how happy she wants to be, she can’t help but feeling that something is going to happen to take everything away from them. Yeah, that’s so sad, Ruby. Ruby calls Paul every day to check on Gisselle, but he’s seldom home because he’s always at the hospital. When he finally does call her back, he sounds straight-up movie crazy, what with the detached voice and the rambling singsong and the calling Ruby “Gisselle”. Ruby thinks that there’s someone nearby that can overhear him, since he keeps calling her Gisselle, but it’s soon obvious that he’s convinced himself that Ruby is the sick twin. Then he hangs up on her again. Ruby immediately tells Beau that she wants to go to Cypress Woods and check on everything. Beau agrees, but is dubious that Paul has actually lost it and isn’t just trying to manipulate Ruby into coming back. GOD, BEAU, GOD. Ruby’s not convinced and goes to bed worrying what they’ll find at Cypress Woods and what in the world she’s done to Paul this time.

TERRIBLE THINGS, RUBY. BECAUSE YOU ARE THE WORST.

Oh lord, I feel bad for Paul Tate. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?

Coming up next: More rambling singsong from Paul, Toby and Jeanne are bitchy, Bruce shows up drunk some more, and oh good, Louis.

Hey everyone!!

For once I have a legit reason for my silence! I totally got married last Saturday! It was awesome and wonderful, and I can assure you all that my husband is of absolutely no relation to myself.

I hope to be back to posting very shortly, and I hope everyone (to whom this is applicable) has a wonderful Thanksgiving and that the rest of you have a wonderful week too!

 

The searchers have been out in full-force lately, so I decided to throw together a fun little Search Term Post. As always, some of the searches that brought people to this blog probably resulted in some very disappointed people and one very disappointed little blond ghost.

do chris and cathy have sex in petals on the wind

You know what, actually, not really? I mean, not until the round-up at the end. They almost make out once under a Christmas tree (festive!) and then later they almost sleep together again in Cathy’s room with Carrie a few feet away asleep in her bed (good lord, guys), but they get distracted by Cathy’s food hoard under her bed (yes really). After a while,  they don’t spend a ton of alone time together, and then Cathy is occupied with having sex with Paul and Julian and Bart. Cathy’s got a lot to do in that book. By the end, once Chris and Cathy have moved away from everyone who knows them as siblings and have gotten married, it’s implied that they sleep together, but it’s never full-on described.

pearl in the mist louis

Someone actually Googled Louis? Is this like the people who search for “Arden Lowe” or “Troy Tatterton”? Don’t do that to yourselves. It’s just not right. Once Louis is invoked, you can’t ever send him back.

Okay, you can, but it’s really hard. It’s like Beetlejuice or the Candyman.

followers in the attic v.c. andrews

I know that’s where I keep mine.

death and crying

I’m sorry, were you looking for the Ruby Tate Greeting Card Collection? Some sweet day, searcher.

So this happened:

flowers in the attic the mother left cory to die in another room

where was cory’s body found in the dollanganger series?

what chapter do they find cory’s body in petls of the wind

was cory buried in the trunk in the attic

poor little corey flowers attic

what happened to cory in flowers in the attic

flowers in the attic the mother left cory to die in another room

where was cory’s body found in the dollanganger series?

where is cory’s dead body in the book flowers in the attic

Look. Look here, now, Ghost of Cory Dollanganger. I DON’T KNOW. Stop lurking around the internet cafes of the Great Beyond, typing in variations of this theme! I think your body was in a trunk in a side room because your mother was a terrible lazy person who couldn’t be bothered to dig a grave or build a cairn. But I cannot tell you for certain. Like Cathy’s maybe miscarriage, your fate is the other great mystery of Petals in the Wind. I haven’t even recapped your series yet, so calm on down!

And finally:

swampthing dancing

No.

Beau and Gisselle leave after plenty of complaining over breakfast by Gisselle, who had nightmares all night about swamp creatures getting into her bedroom.

She wishes.

That’s just inappropriate.

Anyway, they leave, but first Beau manages to sneak Ruby a slip of paper with the address of his secret love apartment on it and a date and time when he’ll be waiting for Ruby. What if that’s not a convenient time for her, Beau? She’s the one who lives hours away and has a baby. But whatever. Ruby spends the rest of the day painting and having a nice internal battle about whether or not to go and have her secret rendezvous.

• But you and Beau’s love is magical and pure and you should totally be able to be together
• But it’ll hurt Paul and he loves you and Pearl so much
• Well then, you should definitely keep this affair a secret, so as not to hurt Paul, but you should totally still do it
• Um, that’s lying
• It’s not lying if you do it to protect someone you care about!
• Yes it is! And would Paul do that to you?
• No, but Paul did make a promise that you two wouldn’t stand in the way if you found someone else
• Yeah but–

Ruby cuts it off there and goes out for a drive with Pearl to clear her mind. She takes her to the old shack and wanders around for a bit reminiscing. Blah blah the pure wonders of nature, Ruby still doesn’t know what to do, blah blah. I guess she figures it out, though, because a few nights later at dinner she tells Paul that she’s going to go into New Orleans for an overnight trip to take the Confederate paintings to Dominique. No, she doesn’t want to stay with Gisselle, she’ll just stay at a hotel. She’s afraid that Paul can tell what she’s up to, but he doesn’t say anything and she decides that it’s all for the best. She leaves the next day and pulls the ribbon out of her hair as she drives away, feeling all rebellious and shit. Wow Ruby, don’t hurt yourself.

She gets to New Orleans and checks into the hotel, then walks down to the French Quarter to meet Beau. They have some wine and make awkward conversation. He tells her all about how he married Gisselle to pretend that she was Ruby and how they party too much, and Ruby tells him about living alone in the BAYOU and being afraid and Paul always being there to help. That’s some romantic talk there, y’all. So eventually they have sex and afterwards Ruby is so overwhelmed that Beau thinks she’s passed out or something. (I’m just so sure) You know, I do feel badly for Ruby in a way. She’s had sex now, what? Five times? (With Beau in the studio, with Beau on New Year’s, with Beau on their picnic, with Paul after dinner, with Beau now) No wonder she gets carried away. Beau is immediately full of plans: he wants them to fix up the apartment, wants Ruby to bring Pearl into town to see him…but Ruby cuts him off, saying that Pearl thinks that Paul is her father right now and she doesn’t want to confuse her. Yeah, you don’t get to have the convenient insta-family, Beau. Not yet, anyway. (SPOILER) They go eat and then Ruby has her meeting with Dominique, who immediately adores the paintings and wants to plan Ruby an art show.

Who can resist this stuff?

Ruby goes back to the hotel and calls Paul, telling him about the show, then she goes to dinner with Beau and they spend the night together. (Six!) The next morning she goes back to Cypress Woods and learns that Mrs. Flemming’s daughter in England has been in an accident, so the nanny has to leave immediately and go to her. Ruby feels terrible, mainly because she remembers an old saying of Nina Jackson’s and wonders if she’s given the Devil an opening into her life. Wow, straight to Satan, huh Ruby? I’m sure he made time on his schedule just to mess with you.

Paul comes home from his own business trip a few days later and tells Ruby that he tried to call her at the hotel the night she spent with Beau, but he doesn’t want her to think that he was checking up on her. Oh that’s exactly what you were doing Paul, don’t even try it. So Ruby promptly admits that she was with Beau. Paul lets her have it a bit, asking if she just doesn’t have any self-respect, going back to the man who deserted her and Pearl and then married her sister. He wants to know if she and Beau have made any plans (such as divorce) but Ruby has to admit that they didn’t really talk about that sort of thing. Ruby begs Paul to at least yell at her or something, but he won’t, and he changes the subject to how much he’s been talking up her artwork to his rich business contacts. He tells her that he’s invited Jeanne and James over for dinner, then leaves the room.

So that night at dinner, Ruby notices that Jeanne seems upset and sure enough, as soon as the two are alone, Jeanne starts crying and tells Ruby that she and James haven’t slept together in weeks and she doesn’t know what to do. She wants advice from Ruby since she and Paul are so happy together and seem to find time for romance no matter how busy Paul gets. Two words, Jeanne. Hoop. Skirt. Ruby tells Jeanne that nothing is perfect and that relationships take time, and Jeanne seems to respond to the advice and thanks Ruby. After the couple leave, Paul tells Ruby that James had asked him for advice as well. He and Ruby sit outside for a while and look at the stars, then they sadly go up to their separate rooms, where, Ruby tells us, Paul embraced a pillow and she embraced her memories of Beau.

Wait a minute.

Does that…mean what I think it means?

OH MY GOD I THINK IT DOES

MOVING ON. Beau calls up Ruby the next day, all giddy with excitement over planning their next outing. Ruby tells him about Mrs. Flemming leaving and again reminds him that she’s not bringing Pearl to their love shack, and when he still pushes she tells him that Paul knows. Beau admits that Gisselle is suspicious too and has been making some threats, so our star-crossed (hahahaha) lovers end their affair and hang up.

Time passes and Ruby busies herself with Pearl and Paul works a lot and she thinks this is how it’ll go on until they die when she gets a surprise phone call one evening a couple of weeks later. It’s Beau, who tells her that he and Gisselle are out at that Dumas ranch again and that there’s been another incident. Gisselle was bitten up by mosquitoes and started to get headaches, followed by a fever, hallucinations, and paralysis. The doctor came out and determined that Gisselle (now in a coma) has contracted St. Louis encephalitis and the outlook doesn’t look good. She may remain in the coma indefinitely. Ruby wants to know if Gisselle’s in the hospital, but no, see Beau had a better idea. Since only Beau, the doctor, and the servants know what’s happened to Gisselle and they can be paid off, Beau’s had a wonderful, awful idea: Ruby can pretend to be Gisselle and be “married” to Beau, and they can pretend that it was Ruby who got sick and just tuck poor Gisselle into an institution somewhere. Somebody’s been watching Ringer!

(Although seriously, are any of y’all watching Ringer? It’s so delightfully cheesy, I love it. It’s like a cheeseball covered in cheese then deep-fried. Amazing. And it’s about a poor but kindly twin pretending to be her catty bitch of a rich twin. Territory I am more than comfortable with!)

Ahem. Ruby is far more tempted by the idea than any sane person should be, and tells Beau that she’ll talk to Paul about it. When she does, he gets very bitter again over the fact that she still loves Beau, but agrees to help with the plan. What’s more, he’ll bring Gisselle to Cypress Woods and care for her there, since that’s no less than people would expect him to do for Ruby. Ruby finally worries about Pearl, but Paul has an answer for that too—with Mrs. Flemming gone and Ruby sick, no one will question that he’d send Pearl to live with her aunt and uncle. Um, they totally would. It’s Beau and Gisselle! Ruby’s overwhelmed by Paul’s reaction to the whole thing, though she realizes that he’s doing this in part to keep her near him, as he asks her to visit her sick sister sometimes. With this all decided, Ruby’s biggest worry is that she won’t be able to pull off pretending to be Gisselle. Not whether or not your sister will die or wake up or your brother-husband will go crazy or your daughter will be super confused or anything like that, Ruby? Okay.

And that leads us to Book Two! Up next: twin-switching madness, more unnecessary racial details about servants, and Paul goes full nutso. See you then!

Ruby stumbles back into the dining room and tells Paul about Daphne. He immediately wants to cancel his appointments and come with her to New Orleans, but she tells him not to since the funeral isn’t for another few days and there’s no point in him hanging around. Is there ever? She’ll leave Pearl with the nanny and head down the next morning. Paul hovers around her bedroom door during the night, but she won’t let him in for fear that hugging and whatnot will turn into something else. Grow a spine, Ruby, oh my flipping stars. Really? But really? You are why parents enforce open door rules. “But we were just hugging and then BOOM.” Good lord.

ANYWAY.

Ruby drives to New Orleans, where she confuses the new butler (who thinks she’s Gisselle) but it’s soon cleared up and she goes upstairs to find her sister chattering away merrily on the phone, though she quickly changes her tune once she sees Ruby. Ruby asks after Bruce and learns that he’s a complete wreck now, having lost his source of income, but Beau has been Gisselle’s rock. Gisselle wastes no time in making sure Ruby knows that Beau loves her now, so Ruby better stay away. Ruby assures her that she’s not after Beau and asks about the funeral. Gisselle wants Ruby’s help making a list of people to ask, which Ruby finds appalling since it’s “not supposed to be a party”. But…okay. I’ve never planned a funeral, so I don’t know these things, but wouldn’t having a list of people be useful? I mean, are funerals just open door? I maybe have to side with Gisselle (SHOCK) on this one, even though I’m sure she’s thinking less of people who cared about Daphne and more about society folks.

And why does Ruby care, anyway? She hated Daphne! And she doesn’t care much for New Orleans society either, so why does she care if Gisselle turns Daphne’s funeral into a party? She should be the first to RSVP!  Oh, wait, this is Ruby we’re talking about. Why should I expect her to behave in a manner consistent with her true feelings? Anyhoo. The sisters part ways to freshen up, but Ruby’s done first and goes downstairs to find Bruce rummaging through Daphne’s office. Gisselle told Ruby earlier that Bruce has been effectively locked out of Daphne’s estate, but he’s obviously trying to find some loophole or other. He’s also got a bottle of bourbon with him and his tie is loose. His tie! Is loose! Universal sign of drunkeness!

Bruce wants Ruby to team up with him against Gisselle and Beau, who, he claims, are cheating him out of what’s rightfully his. Ruby’s not hearing that, though, especially not with the years of embezzling that he and Daphne were doing to poor sainted Pierre. Bruce’s story is that he and Daphne had made arrangements, just not on paper, but Ruby’s not going to help him. He throws Beau and Gisselle’s relationship into Ruby’s face and promises that he’ll have the last laugh. Ruby leaves the room and tells Gisselle about the conversation, but Gisselle naturally doesn’t care. The sisters watch Bruce make his way out of the house with an armful of papers and he leaves angrily as Gisselle calls after him that Daphne had copies of everything, so he can’t destroy a thing. The girls eat lunch and Gisselle goes to call some people and Ruby wanders around the house. She eventually ends up in her old studio, where she promptly has a flashback to that time she and Beau did it in there. Said flashback is interrupted by the actual appearance of Beau, now sporting a John Waters-esque mustache. (Okay, they call it a Rhett Butler mustache, but we all know the truth) Blah blah blah he’s so sorry, he would have been disowned, how would he have cared for a baby, what’s the baby’s name, la la la, then he and Gisselle got together and here we are. Their reunion is cut short by Gisselle. She demands that Beau take her out for coffee while Ruby stays behind to call Mrs. Flemming and check on Pearl.

After Gisselle and Beau return, they all go to Daphne’s wake. Bruce makes a drunken fool of himself and swears some more revenge. Ruby and Beau make eyes at each other. Gisselle actually manages to cry a little. Oh and apparently Paul showed up at some point? I honestly cannot find the moment that he arrives. He’s just suddenly there. That’s terrifying. Paul and Ruby go back to Houma, where Ruby is not dealing well with having seen Beau again. She sees his face more and more in Pearl’s, and she keeps remembering his last words to her before she left New Orleans… Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah. Basically he’ll settle for Gisselle and pretend that she’s Ruby. I guess I just figured that was a given? I’m telling you, if Paul could just focus and do the same, we’d be good to go. One afternoon Ruby gets a letter in the mail—it’s a New Orleans newspaper, featuring the news of the elopement of Beau Andreas and Gisselle Dumas. Ruby does not take this well. And neither does Paul, who shows up in Ruby’s bedroom to throw a little fit.

Ruby starts making all of her Confederate romance paintings really depressing and she cries a lot while painting them. When Paul sees them, he tells her that he’s trapped her (there’s a lengthy mockingbird analogy) but Ruby doesn’t want Paul to be sad and offers to throw the paintings away. Paul won’t let her and instead wants to take her out for dinner and dancing to cheer her up. Ruby agrees, but before they can leave she gets a call from Gisselle, who’s just rubbing it all in a little, is all. Ruby hangs up on her, but a week later she hears from Paul that Beau called about estate business and Paul invited Beau and Gisselle to Cypress Woods. Well, this can only be a good idea.

Sure enough, the happy couple rolls in for a visit. Gisselle is rude to the servants, insults the SWAMPS and the house, and hastens off to shower all within the first ten minutes, but Beau wants to meet Pearl. Pearl and Beau immediately have a connection, and Ruby wonders if Mrs. Flemming is sensing that everything isn’t quite right. Well, considering how all anyone ever says is how much Pearl looks like Beau, I would imagine she’s probably just a touch confused. After they leave the nursery, Beau has a guilt fit about how he should have defied his parents and gotten a job and been brave enough to take care of Pearl like Ruby was, but Ruby’s not interested in hearing about what could have been. Beau wants to buy all of the Confederate paintings (I mean, who wouldn’t):

Pictured: An actual work by Ruby Tate. There's fog and stuff. Also blood. And crying.

He also wants her to know that he makes Gisselle wear her perfume and whatnot so as to further his illusion. But! He’s gotten himself an apartment in the French Quarter, where he wants to meet Ruby in secret, so that neither of them have to pretend anymore! But no, torrid affairs are not okay with Ruby. Sleeping with one’s brother, that’s okay though. Ruby refuses and hastens them back downstairs to meet Paul and Gisselle. Their respective spouses eye them suspiciously, but they all sit down to discuss business. They all have lots of money, carrying on. Afterwards, Paul suggests that they all go for a boat ride through the SWAMPS. Beau eventually convinces Gisselle and they all go and actually have a good time.

After the ride, Beau and Gisselle go off to bed with the intention of leaving early the next morning. Paul wishes Ruby good night, but not without first ranting a little about the “accident of birth” that keeps them from really being together.

LET IT GO.

They part ways and Ruby wonders what will become of them.

Okay! Next time: Obviously Beau and Ruby sneak off together, Jeanne asks Ruby for sex advice, and yet another terrible accident happens at this ranch that they suddenly own. And poor, poor decisions are made by everyone.